Tag Archives: the sun

‘Coolest Things On The Planet’… Coolest Things on The Schmanet.

26 Jul

In Saturday’s copy of The Sun, (yes, I read The Sun. A literary heavyweight with all the boobs, football and celebrity tittle-tattle you should ever need for 20p.) there was an article detailing the ‘100 Coolest Things On The Planet’, as voted for by a poll of 3,000 British folk. Now. I think the polling company just trained up a special sheepdog to round up the country’s dregs into a pen for goons for questioning… you know… ‘comedy’ rejects from ‘The X Factor’, the ‘troubled’ stars of ‘The Jeremy Kyle Show’ and the wretches that sit at the back of the bus with their tinny drum n’ bass straining the speakers of their stolen mobile phones. The list makes for incredibly depressing reading for the living, breathing, decent layman. One that appreciates the rich tapestry of history, the beauty of world cultures, the everyday miracles gifted to us by mother nature.

The Top Ten is as follows:

1. Iphone

2. Apple

3. The Internet

4. Ipod

5. Aston Martin DB9

6. Cadbury’s Chocolate

7. Sky+

8. Ebay

9. Mobile Phones

10. Facebook

It’s agonising reading isn’t it. Apparently the only ‘cool’ things we have to live for are gadgets. Confectionery gave it a go by sneaking in the top ten, Cadbury reppin’ it for his chocolate homeboys, but essentially it seems the only cool things in the world are gadgets (with ‘Apple’ as King Of The Universe) .  A few other highlights …

'Friends' are in at Number 16. I do sort of hope they mean the rapidly dating American sitcom. Because if they are willing to put 'friends', as in the life companions to share memories and laughter with after 'Ipad' in at Number 15, then it is worse than I thought.

Stonehenge, the prehistoric monument that remains to be one of the most famous sites in the world, baffling archaeologists for hundreds of years, comes in at Number 44. Just missing out on the Number 43 slot. Losing to 'Sex And The City'.

In at 69 ('lol') is the Spitfire. The short-range, high-performance interceptor aircraft that contributed to the success of the allied forces during World War Two, and helped ensure our freedom that we have the privilege of having today. It lies in between Beyonce at 68 and The Fonz at 70.

So. In an act of defiance against this utterly heinous list of what apparently THE COOLEST things planet earth has to offer, I have taken the liberty to construct a superior and more accurate list. A truer list. A more worthy list of the title ‘Cool’.

Here is ‘The Top Five List of Amazing Super Coolness That Is Utterly Taken For Granted’.

5. Daylight

You know, it really is such a useful thing. It’s something that we can assume will be there to wake up to in the morning. It allows for lovely strolls admiring nature. It lights the way on our way to the supermarket, it feeds the plants, it means I fall over slightly less than I otherwise would. People sometimes get real-life depression from not having enough of it, you know. It can make or break the sales of houses sometimes… ‘ooh yes, its very light and airy’ . Its allowed us to look cool in sunglasses for decades and invented sunbathing for us. Basically, it’s damn good. I think the people that live in them countries where it’s dark for 6 months of the year will tell you how much we take it for granted. Yep.

4. Wheels

It’s even been shoved out of the limelight by baked goods. ‘It’s the best thing since sliced bread’…we don’t need sliced bread. Those are just the words of a slothful and/or breadknifeless fool. No, it should be the best thing since the wheel. The archetypal invention. Only at risk of losing that title to fire, which, to be fair, is pretty good. Flames and that. Heating us and decorating hot rods for years. But no, think about how much we take this simplest of inventions for granted. We’d be nowhere without the wheel. Quite literally- it’d be a right hassle trekking everywhere on foot. The ones off wagons inspired a delicious mallow-based biscuit. And as my uncle pointed out the other day- it’s horrendous to think of a time before they thought to put wheels on suitcases… but it did happen. Shudder. Wheels are supremely cool.

3. Knees

It was my sudden Damascus-esque epiphany about the sheer incredible nature of knees that inspired me to think of other things we take for granted. I was idly gazing from the window of my bus when my eyes rested on the legs of a young lady. In the least smutty, voyeuristic way possible. I was just watching her walk and I just realised how clever it is for our legs to have inbuilt little hinges to allow us to move. Our knees will have made Mr Stair a millionaire with his invention that would never have worked without them. They have kept the porn industry afloat with their scenes having access to variety, which I hear is the spice of life. They have provided a perfect weapon for girlfriends to threaten their boyfriends with for millennia. They are a genius step for anatomy. Very, very cool. Thanks, knees.

2.  Not having  earache or toothache

Now, this is one that really is forever taken for granted. You can never really remember how excrutiating either of these are after it’s gone. But when it does first go, you have a short period of time where you vow that you will be eternally grateful as feel like you’re on a beach at the edge of heaven and the cool frothy waters of bliss are teasingly lapping at your bare, ecstatic toes. You thank everything from the stars to the A-Z of religious deities that it is no longer afflicting you.  But then, as time goes by, you take it for granted again. Your lovely pain-free mouth. Your perfectly happy eardrums. Take a second to think back to the all consuming agony of your last bout of tooth or ear ache. And now take a moment to appreciate the fact it aint there now. Pretty cool, wouldn’t you say….?

1. Toilets

I’m a girl that’s all about the simple pleasures in life. If I had time to have extended this to a top ten you may have been bamboozled by some of my other observations of coolness, before wholeheartedly agreeing. There are so many amazing things all around us that we forget about.The toilet is a marvel. Maybe I only really began to fully appreciate it after going camping for the first time, on safari in Africa, where I was exposed to the most extreme kind of long-drop imaginable. To be fair, the title ‘long drop’ was an illusion of grandeur. After that, the precious khazi will forever seem to be a close ally, a trusted and reliable friend. It’s been there for me after that kebab riddled with hygienic barbarism. It’s seen millions of goldfish across the world off to that big tank in the sky. And it’s taken so much crap from us over the years (ha ha ho ho.) Toilets the world over should have their time to be recognised, because just imagine the hideous world without them. Toilets, you are, really rather cool. Cooler than an Iphone. There are only so many ‘apps’ they can make. I don’t think your job is ever going to be threatened.