Tag Archives: love

Plentyoffish Hall of Shame: The Experiment

27 Dec

It is safe to say that my single life has been constantly punctuated by instances of frustration and confusion. Like many girls I know gathering dust on the shelf, I’m quite inclined to think that I’m actually quite a catch. None of this ‘why, God, WHY??’ thanks very much. I know so many intelligent, ambitious, confident females that seem to struggle finding themselves a man. What’s going on?

Things sort of come to a head when you realise that you even struggle when signed up to an internet dating site like Plentyoffish. Sometimes I wonder how a girl like me is perceived on there. I know I’m not like a lot of other girls. My blindingly garish hair, tattoos, piercings and eccentric approach to life may be too much for some. When my list of interests includes amongst others, ‘leaves bigger than my own face’, ‘pickled onion Monster Munch’ and ‘moderate moshing’… I know I’m certainly not everyone’s cup of tea. I don’t even like tea.

There have been those moments when I wonder what’s going on that I turn to male friends and see if I can get that different point of view through testosterone-tinted glasses. One word that seems to crop up quite a lot is ‘intimidating’. It was a strange revelation for someone who spends much of her life imitating cats, marvelling at shiny things and crying at Disney films. But the more I thought about it, maybe that’s true for a lot of us confident girls. I may be soft as a play doh kitten, but perhaps my strength of character splattered across my dating profile can be off putting to the male species.

I decided to conduct an experiment.

I’m remembering what I learnt in Mr Unsworth’s science class to detail what this experiment entailed. Coincidentally, I actually quite fancied him.

AIM:

I wish to put to the test the notion that opinionated girls with strong personalities ‘intimidate’ the male population. Furthermore, I want to see if ‘alternative’ looks and interests are less favoured than the ‘normal’. Basically, do I scare men off?

HYPOTHESIS:

I think that by making an internet dating profile that makes me sound like a more ‘normal’ character with generic interests, thoughts and feelings, I will be more favoured amongst the male populace. I think that by sounding like less strong a character, more men will try and talk to me. I will try my best to not cry as I implement abbreviations and use the word ‘lol’.

METHOD:

  1. Create new profile. To make it a fair experiment, I have used pictures of myself, the test subject. I just happen to be a couple of years younger, a more natural hair colour and have had my tattoos edited out.

    Fake Me

    I never said I was any good at Photoshop. My poor bare boobies.

  2. I exaggerated the colour of my eyes and did some light editing as so many females feel inclined to do in profile pictures.

    Wholesome

    I got a lot of 'are your eyes really that blue???' messages. I started to wish they were. I've fallen into the Photoshop trap. Wholesome though, right?

  3. I chose a suitably ‘dating profile’ standard user name and headline. I became ‘Sxigrrl’ who wanted to tell the world that ‘GiRlS jUsT wAnNa HaVe FuN!!!’
  4. In the main body of my profile, I told only the truth… but chose to project myself in a different way. I also threw in a selection of text-speak abbreviations and dating profile clichés for good measure:

‘I really don’t know what to put here but here goes…!!!!!!!!

I’m a bubbly, fun lovin girl… love life, love having a laugh with the girlies!
Erm… what else? I’m a propa girly girl realli, pink is my fave colour and I’m always out shoppin! My mates all say I’m a bit crazy and random but hey! I love nights out but also love nights in cuddled up on the sofa with that special sumone.

At the minute I’m a barmaid, it’s a right laugh. I’m not sure what I’m planning on doing in the future. What makes me unique…ermm….my DNA?? LOL I dunno!!

I like films, all sorts of music, TV and SHOES LOL

Anyways, I think that’s enough for now, wanna know anything else just ask 😉 ‘

RESULTS:

The results were pretty incredible. In the first hour of it’s creation, ‘Sxigrrl’ got thirty-seven messages to my real profile’s two. This could be a trend that would continue throughout the experiment, with at least forty-plus messages with each log-in to Sxigrrl. Over Christmas Day and Boxing Day, Sxigrrl got one hundred and thirty-nine messages to real profile’s thirty-five.

In the two weeks of this experiment, my real profile got one hundred and seventy eight messages. I’m afraid I can’t tell you how many Sxigrrl got because they start to automatically delete messages when you’ve reached four hundred.

CONCLUSIONS:

Sweet and simple is more appealing to mankind. It would seem that it is a sad truth that girls that have a lot to say for themselves can be a bit off putting. Why, though? Maybe men think they’re too much like hard work. Perhaps they think that here’s a girl who will talk the hind legs off a donkey. Of course, my profile may make me look mentally unhinged.

But there were other interesting things to be learnt. Sxigrrl, despite her name, got less crude messages than real me. Do tattooed, ‘alt’ girls get judged in a different light? Are we automatically a ‘bad girl’? Thanks a lot Bowling For Soup.

Despite this, I also learnt something which I took great pride in. Despite having a measly amount of messages than my uncomplicated alter-ego, the ones I did receive were infinitely more interesting. Sxigrrl’s neverending inbox may have had a queue of suitors waiting to grab her attention, but if she’d managed to gain much from the generic compliments and ‘Hi, how’s u’ messages I would be most surprised.

So, what I conclude is this. Be yourself. So what if the road is long and your options are scarce. What we can put faith in is that when we do find that person we click with, they’re going to like you for you. Well, that’s the theory anyway.

So long, Sxigrrl. Okay, I might still be you for a bit longer… I grew to like the fan mail. There’s still 107 unread messages to get through.

(Published at Lovescene Magazine)

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Chronicles of a Developing Spinster: Chapter One, ‘The Ideal Man’.

16 Jul

A lot of the features are already in place. I love cats. I have a growing collection of chinaware, some also featuring cats, which I dust. I must have at least… twenty… if not more, silk scarves. I like charity shops. I complain about the prices of basic groceries. I have a disastrous track record with gentlemen. So, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I may be a spinster in training. Don’t assume I’m just being an awful pessimist here, I hold out hope for being the ‘old dear’ style rather than some monstrous  mothballed relic a la ‘Miss Haversham’ type. I don’t want the local youths to egg my house and mock my cats and draw Hitler taches on my garden gnomes and that.

So… as a sub-feature of this whole blogging lark I thought I’d just curveball the occasional smattering of titbits concerning the gossip and experiences from my life of love. Howzat? Rhetorical question, that. If you don’t like it, tough. It’s happening. And I’ve always wanted to construct a written something that could use the word ‘Chronicles’ in the title. Riddick, Narnia… ‘THE book of’… they’ve all done pretty well for themselves in the world of culture.

So!

I’m a pretty romantic individual. Apparently its etched into my being according to my star sign. Lets see here….

Libra

THE SCALES is the sign of the diplomat and the ditherer

Libra

It's uncanny... I even use scales when I make cakes... 'OMG!'

Falling in love comes naturally to Librans, whose reason for living centres upon happy and enduring relationships. A life without love is just not worth contemplating, Libra can not function without someone special, for they long for emotional security. Problems arise when the reality does not match the ideal, and a complete inability to make a binding decision about relationships, (or anything else for that matter).

The bright side
Libra is easy going, charming and pleasant, all relationships are important to Libra, this sign simply can not do without other people, and makes an excellent party host. People like being around Librans…they can, if they wish, charm the birds from the trees!

Charming, easy going, romantic, diplomatic, idealistic, refined, in love with love.

Yeah alright… I admit I only really pay attention to my star sign because it makes me sound super amazingly cool. Even my ‘bad points’ make me sound like a sexy rock n’ roller; ‘indecisive, resentful, frivolous, changeable, flirtatious, easily influenced, highly susceptible to flattery.’ The stars have made it official. I am swell. Thankyou intangible celestial body. I owe you a pint.

They talk sense though. I think I do have romanticised ideals. I was very much a ‘Disney’ child, and as much as even back then I

Arthur

PHWWWWWOOOOAR... no, it wasn't his animal-ness I was into I swear. It was more for his attitude and body language. Saying that even he was a bit of a tosser to the lady squirrel. I guess all men really are the same... grrr.

wasn’t into the clean-cut looks of Prince Phillip in ‘Sleeping Beauty’ or Eric in ‘The Little Mermaid’, I still clasped my hands and let outa girlish sigh wishing that one day I would have someone come along and kick the crap out of a dragon cos they thought I was hot. I say I didn’t fancy those chaps… but have I ever shared with you the fact that I sort of had a crush on Arthur in ‘The Sword in The Stone’… but only when he’s a squirrel? Oh, well I have now. Ahem.

I think this has resulted in me looking for a someone to fit the bill of perfection which frankly, doesn’t look like it’s going to happen. Or the other theory is that I am just looking far too hard… my means and methods for man-hunting will be discussed in a later chapter. I have made that sound like I am a Bear Grylls of sexual compatibility. I like it. I will only settle for prime time slots and a 6-figure fee Ithankyouverymuch dear licence payers. Although, with such an attitude I shall probably become unstuck and I shall get a ‘why oh why oh why’ prefixed complaint on BBC ‘Points of View’. Ooh… a little unrelated, but I can’t remember who I was mulling it over with… where we were discussing the strange ‘blah blah boobity ba ba blah blah’ theme tune. I started singing it and got a stern look of concern. It really is like that… see….

Back to topic… so yes I feel I need to drop my ideals of a man and take them on case by case. For example, my specific lustings for style, tattoos, height and the ability to make me laugh til I feel like my tummy will burst like that scene in ‘Alien’ (in a more pleasant way. Maybe blamange, glitter and Pokemon will tumble out.) We can hold out for the best but I don’t think its worth the effort or the tears. Of course we want them to be gorgeous, attentive, passionate, thoughtful, sexy… basically like this guy…

I got shown this clip of ‘Old Spice Guy’ a few months ago and loved it. Turns out everyone else does too. He has his own twitter and according to a fellow wordpress blogger, Lovelyandroid, he has spent time making hundreds and hundreds of replies  on youtube to people that have been asking him questions. All of them making me have kicky feet of joy and making me fall a little bit in love  with each one I watched. Here’s a couple of my favourites…

On Twitter, @bradkeys wrote “@OldSpice If you had only 5 minutes left to live, how would you spend it?”

On Facebook, April Johnson Allen wrote “Do you take calls from fans or just calls from the wild?”

And… I did an actual ‘lol’ at this…On Twitter, @mrskutcher (Demi Moore) wrote “Old Spice Guy- I want a special video response wow!!!!”

Yeah… I’m definitely feeling a surge of estrogen inside me. A tsunami of love for this caricature of a man. I even found this page which allowed me to create a voicemail message sparkling with the masculine tones of this Adonis. I do hope I don’t get any important or serious phonecalls.

Maybe with a combination of Old Spice Guy and an internet bookmark on the Ann Summers website I can live without my ‘ideal man’. For just a little bit longer.