Tag Archives: ipad

Babblings of a Bibulous Twerp.

15 Jul

I reach out to you from what may very well become my death-bed. The arm I reach out with resembles the rotting claw like limb that pops up from the grave to try and scare you in a film… but you know its going to happen…but you still jump anyway and it makes you cross with yourself. I look grim is what I’m getting at. It wasn’t going to be like this. It was one of those situations where you say you’re going to head out for just one or two and then before you know it those little drinks multiply quicker than a Gremlin in a swimming pool.

In those first waking moments when you realise how grubby you feel, the first thing that drifted into my head was my biology lessons with Mrs Jenkins when I was about 15. I thought about the diagrams discussing the make up of cells. It always stuck in my mind because that was where I learnt of the words ‘turgid’ and ‘flaccid’ and my relationship with giggling at them began. But this morning I was just thinking about all the nasty alcohol pieces living it up in my bloodstream. They’re probably making a total mess of the place. They’re like gatecrashers at a party… the sort that still think throwing toilet roll about is hilarious and will probably sneak into your room and cross dress in your clothes ‘as a laugh’. Then they will be sick into your favourite shoes and pass out after reading aloud extracts of your diary, unfortunately having already reached the parts about your purchases from Ann Summers and that time you did a poo in a flowerpot. What swine. Then I remembered the diagrams of cells doing that whole osmosis thing and (I have googled this to assure myself that it aint possible) I imagined all of these wretched alcohol chaps laying siege to every cell and ransacking them. My already aching head did not need such added vexation.

Its a bit like that scene in 'Return of The King'. Them little green nice cell blobs don't stand a chance. They're all old men and young boys that shouldn't be fighting... they only have rudimentary insufficient weaponry and Legolas and Gimli are busy having a competition rather than fighting properly expressly to add a comic element to the film... That cell membrane don't look sturdy at all and the Alcohol Tribe have come with hooks on rope and ladders and catapults... They need a cellular equivalent of a surprise not-dead Gandalf to save the day. A white blood cell? I remember in my cell learnings that he was always like the don of the cell world. White Cell! I choose you!!!

I feel like a withered old hag. I had the textbook definition of beer-mouth. I’m going to go as far to say that I was able to scrape a bit of hangover from me palate. Looked like something that Lucifer would blow into his fiery hanky. I think the main problem, apart from all the booze I drank, was the fact I was a silly and didn’t drink any real drink when I got in before bed. The kitchen always feels like a million miles away when you first open your crispy eyes to the first light of day (especially when you discover that you disintegrated into sleep completely naked with the curtains wide open. In your ground floor front-of-house bedroom. In a house that’s on one of the busiest bus routes in the UK. Anyone on a top deck playing my own favourite game, ‘Nosy-a-peek-in-strangers-windows’ would have probably got a bit of a surprise. I do tend to kick the bed covers off. Particularly during my exhaustingly vivid booze dreams.) You tend to lie there picturing the tap. The glorious sink that you nearly puked into last night. The giver of life. That deliciously soothing water. But the thought of moving is hideous. You’ve not built yourself to even sit up yet.

I thankfully didn’t have to deal with this added issue this morning. I had a bottle of Vitamin Water in arm’s reach of the bed left over from my haul that they delivered to my house. FOR FREE! Yeah they’re nice like that. Even 50 Cent likes them. Well, he’s probably paid to… but still. Who’s gonna deny Fiddy?

Karma also got me good and proper with a true and literal example of ‘you snooze you lose’ as it turns out that according to their Twitter, they’re giving away three free iPads if you go on a Vitamin Water treasure hunt… and they were in Manchester today. Sob. I might have fought through the pain to play if I had known. However, the bottle you needed to find was located at Old Trafford. I don’t think even an offer of a free iPad could lure me there.

So, plan for the rest of the day. First, wash. Yes, I am still in my nasty grubby nest sharing my nasty grubbiness with you. Nastily and grubbily. I have already had my beer poo. Oh, don’t look at me like that. You can probably tell I am quite an open person and its a fact; there is nothing better for putting you on the road to recovery than that first trip to the water closet after a night’s heavy drinking. It’s literally flushing the pain away. I have always dabbled with the thought of getting a colonic irrigation.  Are they expensive? I don’t know… hello, Google old friend. I heard that there’s years and years worth of nastiness all clogged up inside you. It must feel lovely to be all empty. Only in the physical, not emotional sense. One thing I have always wondered though, is why do they make the tubes clear? I don’t think I’d actually like to see what’s coming out, and I fear nausea would mean I’d start emptying out through the other end too.

I’ve gone too far. I’m sorry. I feel like the social elephant man of the blogging world.