Chronicles of a Developing Spinster: Chapter One, ‘The Ideal Man’.

16 Jul

A lot of the features are already in place. I love cats. I have a growing collection of chinaware, some also featuring cats, which I dust. I must have at least… twenty… if not more, silk scarves. I like charity shops. I complain about the prices of basic groceries. I have a disastrous track record with gentlemen. So, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I may be a spinster in training. Don’t assume I’m just being an awful pessimist here, I hold out hope for being the ‘old dear’ style rather than some monstrous  mothballed relic a la ‘Miss Haversham’ type. I don’t want the local youths to egg my house and mock my cats and draw Hitler taches on my garden gnomes and that.

So… as a sub-feature of this whole blogging lark I thought I’d just curveball the occasional smattering of titbits concerning the gossip and experiences from my life of love. Howzat? Rhetorical question, that. If you don’t like it, tough. It’s happening. And I’ve always wanted to construct a written something that could use the word ‘Chronicles’ in the title. Riddick, Narnia… ‘THE book of’… they’ve all done pretty well for themselves in the world of culture.


I’m a pretty romantic individual. Apparently its etched into my being according to my star sign. Lets see here….


THE SCALES is the sign of the diplomat and the ditherer


It's uncanny... I even use scales when I make cakes... 'OMG!'

Falling in love comes naturally to Librans, whose reason for living centres upon happy and enduring relationships. A life without love is just not worth contemplating, Libra can not function without someone special, for they long for emotional security. Problems arise when the reality does not match the ideal, and a complete inability to make a binding decision about relationships, (or anything else for that matter).

The bright side
Libra is easy going, charming and pleasant, all relationships are important to Libra, this sign simply can not do without other people, and makes an excellent party host. People like being around Librans…they can, if they wish, charm the birds from the trees!

Charming, easy going, romantic, diplomatic, idealistic, refined, in love with love.

Yeah alright… I admit I only really pay attention to my star sign because it makes me sound super amazingly cool. Even my ‘bad points’ make me sound like a sexy rock n’ roller; ‘indecisive, resentful, frivolous, changeable, flirtatious, easily influenced, highly susceptible to flattery.’ The stars have made it official. I am swell. Thankyou intangible celestial body. I owe you a pint.

They talk sense though. I think I do have romanticised ideals. I was very much a ‘Disney’ child, and as much as even back then I


PHWWWWWOOOOAR... no, it wasn't his animal-ness I was into I swear. It was more for his attitude and body language. Saying that even he was a bit of a tosser to the lady squirrel. I guess all men really are the same... grrr.

wasn’t into the clean-cut looks of Prince Phillip in ‘Sleeping Beauty’ or Eric in ‘The Little Mermaid’, I still clasped my hands and let outa girlish sigh wishing that one day I would have someone come along and kick the crap out of a dragon cos they thought I was hot. I say I didn’t fancy those chaps… but have I ever shared with you the fact that I sort of had a crush on Arthur in ‘The Sword in The Stone’… but only when he’s a squirrel? Oh, well I have now. Ahem.

I think this has resulted in me looking for a someone to fit the bill of perfection which frankly, doesn’t look like it’s going to happen. Or the other theory is that I am just looking far too hard… my means and methods for man-hunting will be discussed in a later chapter. I have made that sound like I am a Bear Grylls of sexual compatibility. I like it. I will only settle for prime time slots and a 6-figure fee Ithankyouverymuch dear licence payers. Although, with such an attitude I shall probably become unstuck and I shall get a ‘why oh why oh why’ prefixed complaint on BBC ‘Points of View’. Ooh… a little unrelated, but I can’t remember who I was mulling it over with… where we were discussing the strange ‘blah blah boobity ba ba blah blah’ theme tune. I started singing it and got a stern look of concern. It really is like that… see….

Back to topic… so yes I feel I need to drop my ideals of a man and take them on case by case. For example, my specific lustings for style, tattoos, height and the ability to make me laugh til I feel like my tummy will burst like that scene in ‘Alien’ (in a more pleasant way. Maybe blamange, glitter and Pokemon will tumble out.) We can hold out for the best but I don’t think its worth the effort or the tears. Of course we want them to be gorgeous, attentive, passionate, thoughtful, sexy… basically like this guy…

I got shown this clip of ‘Old Spice Guy’ a few months ago and loved it. Turns out everyone else does too. He has his own twitter and according to a fellow wordpress blogger, Lovelyandroid, he has spent time making hundreds and hundreds of replies  on youtube to people that have been asking him questions. All of them making me have kicky feet of joy and making me fall a little bit in love  with each one I watched. Here’s a couple of my favourites…

On Twitter, @bradkeys wrote “@OldSpice If you had only 5 minutes left to live, how would you spend it?”

On Facebook, April Johnson Allen wrote “Do you take calls from fans or just calls from the wild?”

And… I did an actual ‘lol’ at this…On Twitter, @mrskutcher (Demi Moore) wrote “Old Spice Guy- I want a special video response wow!!!!”

Yeah… I’m definitely feeling a surge of estrogen inside me. A tsunami of love for this caricature of a man. I even found this page which allowed me to create a voicemail message sparkling with the masculine tones of this Adonis. I do hope I don’t get any important or serious phonecalls.

Maybe with a combination of Old Spice Guy and an internet bookmark on the Ann Summers website I can live without my ‘ideal man’. For just a little bit longer.


One Response to “Chronicles of a Developing Spinster: Chapter One, ‘The Ideal Man’.”

  1. Nad July 19, 2010 at 9:28 am #

    Oh man, I fancy the shit out of the girl squirrel.

    I think it was the eyelashes.

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